Oh hello

So last week I went back to 1/2 pill of metformin and I guess I'm getting better. Don't know. All I know is today I'm doing just fine. I worked out, didn't push myself ridiculously hard but it was decent. After that I didn't feel like going to sleep. I didn't get upset with my toddler (of course I attribute this to the fact that satan has relinquished his hold on my son for the time being), and I didn't even take a nap today. Crazy right? I mean, I was lazy in that I didn't feel like going outside. I just wanted to chill and watch tv and play with my kid but still, it's a vast improvement. To be honest I haven't even taken my metformin today and I'm wondering if it's even worth it to continue. Perhaps it's not doing anything good for me anyway. It's all mental. Like...any little thing I can do to help with weightloss, even the most minuscule thing, I'll do it.

Anyway let's see how tomorrow goes. It's really nice not to have to take like 3-4 rhodiola pills a day. Just that morning one has kept me good all day. But I really can't stress this enough. The kid is going through his terrible 2's and they're BAD. He woke up today my sweet kid. God knows it won't last, but for now, all is good.

did it work?

So far so good. Logging my food made me more conscious of what i was eating and instead of snacking on fluff I made sure to have meals. At the beginning of the day I was worried I was gonna go over my calories bc I had eaten like 900 calories (mostly fat) before lunch. I made a smoothie with coconut milk, coconut cream, protein powder, and peanut butter. But for some reason liquids only keep me full temporarily. So I ended up having bacon and shrimp.

At lunch I had melted cheese, taco meat, green onions, taco sauce. A hot mess on a plate but damn was it good.

I also did better with my waters yesterday.

At dinner I had pork roast and a heaping helping of steamed green beans. Then after  I put my son to bed I had strawberries and whipped cream and watched American Horror Story. And right before bed I had some crispy jalapenos (guilty pleasure) and some melatonin gummies.

I slept really well and for what felt like a long time.

I woke up this morning refreshed.

But last night after dinner I was dancing a jig. I had a burst of energy. Clearly this is an improvement but too early to tell. And I tend to self diagnose alot. Gonna continue to eat more mindfully and also I've cut my Metformin in half again. So we'll see how I feel today. I just don't wanna be moody and tired anymore. Yesterday my workout was shit. I didn't warm up, i rushed it, and i definitely pulled one of my traps doing deadlifts.

At this moment, I'm drinking my coffee and I feel ok. My mind is clear. However, I don't really feel like exerting myself. So, we'll see how this day goes....

Self sabotage

While we're being honest, let's get really real. I have been having success. Lately I've been seeing the fruits of my labor in the form of results in the mirror. Clothes that I haven't worn in 3yrs fit me now. But what happens when we start to see results? We become obsessed. We want more and more and we want them now. I mean honestly, raise your hand if this has happened to you. I see you. So like a complete asshole (as is human nature) I started to push harder with my workouts, get more strict with my diet to the point where it all became work. My diet became so limited and I was so bored with it that I just would rather not eat. I haven't logged my food but I can venture to guess my calories have been way too low the passed week.

Lately I have been feeling all too familiar feelings that scare me. Fatigue, irritability, foggyness, and lately I've just been lethargic. Those are not good things when you are solely responsible for taking care of and entertaining a toddler all day long. Granted the symptoms are not the same as before but they are similar enough to scare the shit out of me. I have come so far to go back into that abyss. And how could it even be??! I eat very little carbs so it can't be the insulin resistance. So then it's something worse? My mind is racing. Time for me to take control of the ship and steer it in the right direction. Which means smacking that obsessive bitch out of the way and redirecting us. 

1. I'm logging my food today to make sure I eat enough calories and to make sure they are mostly fat. I desperately need to get ideas for new food choices bc I'm at the point where I'm considering just drinking my meals.

2. Going back to HIIT 2 times a week instead of 3. And keeping my workouts to 30min. Whatever gets done gets done and whatever doesn't, doesn't. This helps to keep me on schedule anyway and I get to sleep a little more. Also I'm really not feeling motivated or energetic lately (which KILLS me bc those are things I love to be) so the short workouts are good mentally going in, knowing ok it's just this then out. 

If doing these things (mostly the first one) does not change these negative things I'm feeling I will go in for more bloodwork.

I'm a flawed person. But I keep trying.


*update* among  the things i was pushing to the extreme was the metformin. they already have me on a low dose 500mg daily. and the doc even said she didn't think it was necessary unless i wanted it. so i had been taking 1/2 a pill a day. so 250mg a day. which is very small. of course this weekend i decided to up it to a whole capsule (500mg). and thats when the trouble started. i think. i was feeling a little sick on friday so hard to tell for sure. its entirely possible that with my little calories and restriction on carbs i didn't need any metformin and i instead doubled it.

i read this online "If your body is now using insulin more effectively it could be leading to low blood sugar levels and low blood sugar levels can lead to severe mood alterations - or worse."

I'm HOPING this is what the issue is. Because it can be easily rectified. Definitely having moodswings and irritability. Like last time, its getting worse by the day. And my Rhodiola isn't doing much.

Anyway my 3rd plan of action is to cut back down to half a metformin daily. If it doesn't get better I will stop all together. I'm sure my numbers have gone down. I'd been feeling great until recently. so we'll see.

A raw and honest look at myself

About a week ago my husband and I were having a discussion. Typical marriage talk that people do that I won't get into. But one of the things he said was "you don't share these things with me. i see pictures of you on instagram and thats how i find out that you can do a burpee or that fit into something new (i'm paraphrasing here). who are you showing off for?" Now, this is a fair question. I myself would have to wonder if my husband was improving himself and not sharing that with me but with others, who exactly is it for? However, that NEVER even dawned on me. Call me dense but it really never occurred to me. Why haven't I shared my triumphs with him? Well I tried. In the beginning. He never seemed to care really. He would just sit there quietly looking at his phone or laptop or tv and barely acknowledge me. I mean, i was bringing up every minute thing and I figured it was getting annoying so I better stop. When someone has no reaction, you just stop sharing. I was looking for a cheerleader to help me through this journey. And I love my husband, he is supportive, but a cheerleader he is not. So I said fine, I'm a big girl, I'll just keep it to myself. And I have ever since. To the point where it just became a habit, without even thinking about it.

Why do I share everything on instagram and this blog? Well for one I have a great support system on IG of friends, family, and women who are going through this journey as well. The support and encouragement I get on IG has really gotten through tough times. Having an outlet to talk about my struggles or a place to celebrate my triumphs has been a HUGE factor in the success of this journey. Also, I've always been an open book. Some people (usually more reserved) think I just want attention. And they can think that because in a sense it's true. But its in my nature to talk (ask my mom. i haven't shut up since i started talking), to share, its my therapy. When I hold things in I'm absolutely miserable. Its cathartic for me. But some people don't get that. Others think its great. Because I say what they're thinking or wondering or going through. Some people can relate, others find it motivating. The idea that sharing something that I'm going through or have experienced is helping people is so such a wonderful feeling. It's empowering. You ladies have empowered me more than you can possibly imagine.


Here's the thing. I've been doing things to treat myself. I've bought new clothes, skincare products, taking better care of myself but I haven't been showing that to my husband. All he sees is the stay at home mom with messy hair and bumby clothes. And I had no idea how he felt till now. But it makes perfect sense. He wants me to share the new me with him. If I'm not sharing it with him, who do I plan on sharing it with? I get that now. And things are going to change. I already started sharing my triumphs with him and I plan to try harder to make myself look good for him. Not every day. He doesn't expect that. But I will make more of an effort. Especially when we go out anywhere.


The real revelation I had though, was the fact that for the first time in....probably in my adult life I was doing things to make myself look/feel good and not for the attention of a man. This is HUGE for me. For so many years I looked for validation from men.  As most women in their 20's I spent that time trying to be what I thought men wanted. As I got older I started to figure out what I wanted and who I was. But I still wasn't enough for myself. Then I started this journey. For the first time I'm not even thinking about men. Trying to look good to the opposite sex has not even crossed my mind! I've just wanted to look good for me. I'm having a whirlwind romance with myself this year and its really been amazing. I highly recommend it to all women. Take some time to find yourself, to love yourself, to improve yourself. You will be a better, happier more complete person. I am so much stronger than I have ever been. The fact that now, I AM ENOUGH, is so amazing i could cry.


I guess I've just been doing so much work on myself, internally and physically, that the superficial stuff hasn't really crossed my mind yet. My husband asks me, when is the big reveal? That's a good question. I don't have an answer right now. I'm still working on myself. I'm not there yet. But getting closer. Slowly my confidence is creeping back in and I'm ecstatic about it. I just have to pull my head out of my ass and realize my husband wants to enjoy this new me as well. And not just external stuff, he deserves to get the positive supportive person I am with you all and not just the grumpy tired mom who snaps at him when he gets home. After all, he's loved the old me (at my worst) for so long, he deserves to get to know (and enjoy) the new me.