About a week ago my husband and I were having a discussion. Typical marriage talk that people do that I won't get into. But one of the things he said was "you don't share these things with me. i see pictures of you on instagram and thats how i find out that you can do a burpee or that fit into something new (i'm paraphrasing here). who are you showing off for?" Now, this is a fair question. I myself would have to wonder if my husband was improving himself and not sharing that with me but with others, who exactly is it for? However, that NEVER even dawned on me. Call me dense but it really never occurred to me. Why haven't I shared my triumphs with him? Well I tried. In the beginning. He never seemed to care really. He would just sit there quietly looking at his phone or laptop or tv and barely acknowledge me. I mean, i was bringing up every minute thing and I figured it was getting annoying so I better stop. When someone has no reaction, you just stop sharing. I was looking for a cheerleader to help me through this journey. And I love my husband, he is supportive, but a cheerleader he is not. So I said fine, I'm a big girl, I'll just keep it to myself. And I have ever since. To the point where it just became a habit, without even thinking about it.
Why do I share everything on instagram and this blog? Well for one I have a great support system on IG of friends, family, and women who are going through this journey as well. The support and encouragement I get on IG has really gotten through tough times. Having an outlet to talk about my struggles or a place to celebrate my triumphs has been a HUGE factor in the success of this journey. Also, I've always been an open book. Some people (usually more reserved) think I just want attention. And they can think that because in a sense it's true. But its in my nature to talk (ask my mom. i haven't shut up since i started talking), to share, its my therapy. When I hold things in I'm absolutely miserable. Its cathartic for me. But some people don't get that. Others think its great. Because I say what they're thinking or wondering or going through. Some people can relate, others find it motivating. The idea that sharing something that I'm going through or have experienced is helping people is so such a wonderful feeling. It's empowering. You ladies have empowered me more than you can possibly imagine.
Here's the thing. I've been doing things to treat myself. I've bought new clothes, skincare products, taking better care of myself but I haven't been showing that to my husband. All he sees is the stay at home mom with messy hair and bumby clothes. And I had no idea how he felt till now. But it makes perfect sense. He wants me to share the new me with him. If I'm not sharing it with him, who do I plan on sharing it with? I get that now. And things are going to change. I already started sharing my triumphs with him and I plan to try harder to make myself look good for him. Not every day. He doesn't expect that. But I will make more of an effort. Especially when we go out anywhere.
The real revelation I had though, was the fact that for the first time in....probably in my adult life I was doing things to make myself look/feel good and not for the attention of a man. This is HUGE for me. For so many years I looked for validation from men. As most women in their 20's I spent that time trying to be what I thought men wanted. As I got older I started to figure out what I wanted and who I was. But I still wasn't enough for myself. Then I started this journey. For the first time I'm not even thinking about men. Trying to look good to the opposite sex has not even crossed my mind! I've just wanted to look good for me. I'm having a whirlwind romance with myself this year and its really been amazing. I highly recommend it to all women. Take some time to find yourself, to love yourself, to improve yourself. You will be a better, happier more complete person. I am so much stronger than I have ever been. The fact that now, I AM ENOUGH, is so amazing i could cry.
I guess I've just been doing so much work on myself, internally and physically, that the superficial stuff hasn't really crossed my mind yet. My husband asks me, when is the big reveal? That's a good question. I don't have an answer right now. I'm still working on myself. I'm not there yet. But getting closer. Slowly my confidence is creeping back in and I'm ecstatic about it. I just have to pull my head out of my ass and realize my husband wants to enjoy this new me as well. And not just external stuff, he deserves to get the positive supportive person I am with you all and not just the grumpy tired mom who snaps at him when he gets home. After all, he's loved the old me (at my worst) for so long, he deserves to get to know (and enjoy) the new me.
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