update

Wow! I haven't updated in a while. Why? Because I've been soooo busy setting up consultants for plastic surgery. I'm having a tummy tuck. I have been carrying around so much skin after losing 100lbs 4yrs ago. It's something I will go into more detail about later. But anyway its been all consuming. Not to mention an emotional rollercoaster. As of today I have finally found my doc!! I want to have surgery in march.

As for my weightloss, I've been doing well. I've noticed that when i cut out the snacking and just stick to 3 full meals the weight comes off. At least the inches do. I mean I only lost 2.5lbs in the month of oct but the clothes fit better, the measuring tape is going down, i'm now a size 18 pant and the fat is coming off and i'm starting to see the muscle. So i'm doing well. Not sure how far down the number will get by march but I know I will look better and my inches will go down.

Now that I'm not consumed trying to find a doc I'm going to try to update this blog more often. I will be bringing you along on my journey.

Oh hello

So last week I went back to 1/2 pill of metformin and I guess I'm getting better. Don't know. All I know is today I'm doing just fine. I worked out, didn't push myself ridiculously hard but it was decent. After that I didn't feel like going to sleep. I didn't get upset with my toddler (of course I attribute this to the fact that satan has relinquished his hold on my son for the time being), and I didn't even take a nap today. Crazy right? I mean, I was lazy in that I didn't feel like going outside. I just wanted to chill and watch tv and play with my kid but still, it's a vast improvement. To be honest I haven't even taken my metformin today and I'm wondering if it's even worth it to continue. Perhaps it's not doing anything good for me anyway. It's all mental. Like...any little thing I can do to help with weightloss, even the most minuscule thing, I'll do it.

Anyway let's see how tomorrow goes. It's really nice not to have to take like 3-4 rhodiola pills a day. Just that morning one has kept me good all day. But I really can't stress this enough. The kid is going through his terrible 2's and they're BAD. He woke up today my sweet kid. God knows it won't last, but for now, all is good.

did it work?

So far so good. Logging my food made me more conscious of what i was eating and instead of snacking on fluff I made sure to have meals. At the beginning of the day I was worried I was gonna go over my calories bc I had eaten like 900 calories (mostly fat) before lunch. I made a smoothie with coconut milk, coconut cream, protein powder, and peanut butter. But for some reason liquids only keep me full temporarily. So I ended up having bacon and shrimp.

At lunch I had melted cheese, taco meat, green onions, taco sauce. A hot mess on a plate but damn was it good.

I also did better with my waters yesterday.

At dinner I had pork roast and a heaping helping of steamed green beans. Then after  I put my son to bed I had strawberries and whipped cream and watched American Horror Story. And right before bed I had some crispy jalapenos (guilty pleasure) and some melatonin gummies.

I slept really well and for what felt like a long time.

I woke up this morning refreshed.

But last night after dinner I was dancing a jig. I had a burst of energy. Clearly this is an improvement but too early to tell. And I tend to self diagnose alot. Gonna continue to eat more mindfully and also I've cut my Metformin in half again. So we'll see how I feel today. I just don't wanna be moody and tired anymore. Yesterday my workout was shit. I didn't warm up, i rushed it, and i definitely pulled one of my traps doing deadlifts.

At this moment, I'm drinking my coffee and I feel ok. My mind is clear. However, I don't really feel like exerting myself. So, we'll see how this day goes....

Self sabotage

While we're being honest, let's get really real. I have been having success. Lately I've been seeing the fruits of my labor in the form of results in the mirror. Clothes that I haven't worn in 3yrs fit me now. But what happens when we start to see results? We become obsessed. We want more and more and we want them now. I mean honestly, raise your hand if this has happened to you. I see you. So like a complete asshole (as is human nature) I started to push harder with my workouts, get more strict with my diet to the point where it all became work. My diet became so limited and I was so bored with it that I just would rather not eat. I haven't logged my food but I can venture to guess my calories have been way too low the passed week.

Lately I have been feeling all too familiar feelings that scare me. Fatigue, irritability, foggyness, and lately I've just been lethargic. Those are not good things when you are solely responsible for taking care of and entertaining a toddler all day long. Granted the symptoms are not the same as before but they are similar enough to scare the shit out of me. I have come so far to go back into that abyss. And how could it even be??! I eat very little carbs so it can't be the insulin resistance. So then it's something worse? My mind is racing. Time for me to take control of the ship and steer it in the right direction. Which means smacking that obsessive bitch out of the way and redirecting us. 

1. I'm logging my food today to make sure I eat enough calories and to make sure they are mostly fat. I desperately need to get ideas for new food choices bc I'm at the point where I'm considering just drinking my meals.

2. Going back to HIIT 2 times a week instead of 3. And keeping my workouts to 30min. Whatever gets done gets done and whatever doesn't, doesn't. This helps to keep me on schedule anyway and I get to sleep a little more. Also I'm really not feeling motivated or energetic lately (which KILLS me bc those are things I love to be) so the short workouts are good mentally going in, knowing ok it's just this then out. 

If doing these things (mostly the first one) does not change these negative things I'm feeling I will go in for more bloodwork.

I'm a flawed person. But I keep trying.


*update* among  the things i was pushing to the extreme was the metformin. they already have me on a low dose 500mg daily. and the doc even said she didn't think it was necessary unless i wanted it. so i had been taking 1/2 a pill a day. so 250mg a day. which is very small. of course this weekend i decided to up it to a whole capsule (500mg). and thats when the trouble started. i think. i was feeling a little sick on friday so hard to tell for sure. its entirely possible that with my little calories and restriction on carbs i didn't need any metformin and i instead doubled it.

i read this online "If your body is now using insulin more effectively it could be leading to low blood sugar levels and low blood sugar levels can lead to severe mood alterations - or worse."

I'm HOPING this is what the issue is. Because it can be easily rectified. Definitely having moodswings and irritability. Like last time, its getting worse by the day. And my Rhodiola isn't doing much.

Anyway my 3rd plan of action is to cut back down to half a metformin daily. If it doesn't get better I will stop all together. I'm sure my numbers have gone down. I'd been feeling great until recently. so we'll see.

A raw and honest look at myself

About a week ago my husband and I were having a discussion. Typical marriage talk that people do that I won't get into. But one of the things he said was "you don't share these things with me. i see pictures of you on instagram and thats how i find out that you can do a burpee or that fit into something new (i'm paraphrasing here). who are you showing off for?" Now, this is a fair question. I myself would have to wonder if my husband was improving himself and not sharing that with me but with others, who exactly is it for? However, that NEVER even dawned on me. Call me dense but it really never occurred to me. Why haven't I shared my triumphs with him? Well I tried. In the beginning. He never seemed to care really. He would just sit there quietly looking at his phone or laptop or tv and barely acknowledge me. I mean, i was bringing up every minute thing and I figured it was getting annoying so I better stop. When someone has no reaction, you just stop sharing. I was looking for a cheerleader to help me through this journey. And I love my husband, he is supportive, but a cheerleader he is not. So I said fine, I'm a big girl, I'll just keep it to myself. And I have ever since. To the point where it just became a habit, without even thinking about it.

Why do I share everything on instagram and this blog? Well for one I have a great support system on IG of friends, family, and women who are going through this journey as well. The support and encouragement I get on IG has really gotten through tough times. Having an outlet to talk about my struggles or a place to celebrate my triumphs has been a HUGE factor in the success of this journey. Also, I've always been an open book. Some people (usually more reserved) think I just want attention. And they can think that because in a sense it's true. But its in my nature to talk (ask my mom. i haven't shut up since i started talking), to share, its my therapy. When I hold things in I'm absolutely miserable. Its cathartic for me. But some people don't get that. Others think its great. Because I say what they're thinking or wondering or going through. Some people can relate, others find it motivating. The idea that sharing something that I'm going through or have experienced is helping people is so such a wonderful feeling. It's empowering. You ladies have empowered me more than you can possibly imagine.


Here's the thing. I've been doing things to treat myself. I've bought new clothes, skincare products, taking better care of myself but I haven't been showing that to my husband. All he sees is the stay at home mom with messy hair and bumby clothes. And I had no idea how he felt till now. But it makes perfect sense. He wants me to share the new me with him. If I'm not sharing it with him, who do I plan on sharing it with? I get that now. And things are going to change. I already started sharing my triumphs with him and I plan to try harder to make myself look good for him. Not every day. He doesn't expect that. But I will make more of an effort. Especially when we go out anywhere.


The real revelation I had though, was the fact that for the first time in....probably in my adult life I was doing things to make myself look/feel good and not for the attention of a man. This is HUGE for me. For so many years I looked for validation from men.  As most women in their 20's I spent that time trying to be what I thought men wanted. As I got older I started to figure out what I wanted and who I was. But I still wasn't enough for myself. Then I started this journey. For the first time I'm not even thinking about men. Trying to look good to the opposite sex has not even crossed my mind! I've just wanted to look good for me. I'm having a whirlwind romance with myself this year and its really been amazing. I highly recommend it to all women. Take some time to find yourself, to love yourself, to improve yourself. You will be a better, happier more complete person. I am so much stronger than I have ever been. The fact that now, I AM ENOUGH, is so amazing i could cry.


I guess I've just been doing so much work on myself, internally and physically, that the superficial stuff hasn't really crossed my mind yet. My husband asks me, when is the big reveal? That's a good question. I don't have an answer right now. I'm still working on myself. I'm not there yet. But getting closer. Slowly my confidence is creeping back in and I'm ecstatic about it. I just have to pull my head out of my ass and realize my husband wants to enjoy this new me as well. And not just external stuff, he deserves to get the positive supportive person I am with you all and not just the grumpy tired mom who snaps at him when he gets home. After all, he's loved the old me (at my worst) for so long, he deserves to get to know (and enjoy) the new me.

Progress update

This first picture shows the progress made my first 2 weeks into a ketogenic diet. I did not exercise.

This picture shoes my muscle progression. 

Just a shot of me in the mirror. 

Measurements. Interestingly enough most of the change came after July. From August till now. 

Flourless Brownies by jesspaigelchf

I'm not gonna say a whole hell of a lot here. I saw this recipe on JessPaigeLCHF's instagram and decided to give it a whirl because, brownies. Made this and it was delicious!!!

I wanna go on record as saying a couple of things though.

1. I didn't have the sweetener she listed so I used one from Whole Foods and it gave the brownies a nasty sickly sweet aftertaste. So the next time around I used Ideal Sweetener which I have used for years and it's always been great in my recipes with no detection. Of course if you have Swerve which is what she lists in the recipe, by all means, use it. My husband said my 2nd batch was much better with no aftertaste. All he tasted was the bitterness of the dark chocolate.

2. Texture. These aren't chewy brownies. They're wet fudgy brownies. But they're really chocolately yumminess.

3. Cooking times. Both times making this recipe I noticed that the brownies took a lot longer to set than 30 min. My first batch i baked for 1hour just to get the top to not be wobbly. Of course I put the entire batch into one 8x8 inch dish. The 2nd time I split it into 2 dishes. The tops set in the 30 min and cracked (like cheesecake will do in the oven) so I removed them. Still very wet under the surface. I let them set in the fridge overnight. My husband said they're much better that way. Just remember #2, texture. Flavorwise they are dark chocolately goodness. But they are wet, almost mousse-like on your tongue. At least when I made them. You may wanna tinker with cooking times, temps, and thickness.

4. This recipe has LOTS of butter in it. So if you're watching your fats take heed. But if you're doing low carb high fat, its perfect. Also, this uses a non sugar sweetener. If you aren't comfortable with that you can try honey, agave, coconut sugar, whatever your natural heart desires. But take into account that it could mess with the texture. so maybe split up the batch. Also buy more than one bar of chocolate. I bought 2 and they came in handy bc i tossed my first batch and used the other bar to make my 2nd.

To get the recipe for these flourless brownies go here.

Accidental Low Carb Tortilla

I'm not gonna lie. Last night's dinner started out as a fail. I offered to make my husband mexican pizza (to which he delighted, because who doesn't love mexican pizza?) only to realize, damn I can't enjoy the goodness of crispy tortillas. Back when I used to eat Taco Bell, mexican pizza was my favorite thing on the menu. So I thought to myself, well maybe I can whip up some suitable substitute using these flours I have. Then I remembered I tried a keto friendly tortilla a while back with disastrous results. But you know, after that pizza crust I was feeling a little cocky. So I'm like, I'm a low carb genius, I'll just add some of this and some of this and hit it with a little of this....and....and....FAIL FAIL FAIL. I said fine. I'll just have meat and some avocado or whatever. No biggie.

So as i'm sauteing my meat with some cilantro (because i'm a cilantro whore. cilantro and green onions are basically in all of my dishes) and seeing the leftover little bits of cheese crust up in the pan  I got an idea. I got a perfectly awful idea (the Grinch. anyone?). I removed the meat from the pan and took a handful of shredded cheese and placed it in the center of the pan. It started to melt and bubble but it stayed together. I flipped it and let it do the same on the other side. The first one I placed on the plate. I figured I could use it for some plating and place it leaning over the meat or something. Like some kind of gourmet shit. Because let's face it, 90% of my cooking is to post a picture on instagram. #foodporn Then I topped it with avocados and green onions and a heaping dollop of chipotle mayo. I love that shit. And yeah, its aight. Kinda sloppy, but I was too hungry to care.

Since this was my base "tortilla" I decided to make another to place on top. Only this time as I took it out of the pan and placed it on the plate I used a spatula to fold it in half. I was surprised at how pliable it was. And just like that it stayed in that shape. So I made a taco out of it!! Some meat, taco sauce (i felt more cheese would have been redundant but don't let that stop you) and topped it with a piece of lettuce. And guess what? It tasted like a real taco!!!!

I was so excited!!! A tortilla made from cheese? Really? You can't get anymore keto than that shit. But I was sure as soon as I took a bite it would crackle and fall apart. Only, it didn't. It kept its shape the entire time. It was a little more chewy than crispy. But it got the job done.

Will I be making this again? You bet your sweet aunt bippy!! Only next time I'll make a bigger "tortilla" and hit it with some mexican spices to up the ante.

And there you have it folks. A suitable (cheap and easy) alternative to real tortillas.  If your venture into low-carb-tortilla-making fails, you can always use this bad boy. I'm still gonna try other recipes because I love that shit. Experimenting and weeding out the good from the bad and sharing it with my peoples. I do the work so you don't have to! ;)

Yes! You can haz pizza!!!! Meli's low carb pizza crust recipe.

Ok guys, let me preface this by saying I've been living la vida low carb on and off for 4yrs. In that time I have tried MANY low carb pizza recipes. Cauliflower pizza crust. FAIL. Zuchinni pizza crust, better tasting, terrible structurally. All cheese crust, well, you get the idea. So I pretty much gave up on it. But since being on hiatus from low carb and recently going  back, i see there have been some improvements in the world of low carb pizza technology. I'm finding recipes that are different from those old ones. I'm leery of anything that has almond flour as the bulk of the recipe bc in my low carb experimenting days i ate many BAD cookies and breads made with almond flour. The texture is.....its ground up nuts, dude. I've found that mixing different flours (almond, coconut, garbanzo) always yielded the best results for me. That too took mucho experimentation. Like, now I know not to use soy flour, the taste is gnarly. And i'm very cautious with coconut flour as the need to add copious amounts of eggs and liquids to counteract the dryness of the flour can be very hit or miss. Experiments fail, but when you've used half a carton of eggs and have to throw it away, its so fucking wasteful! Ingredients ain't cheap baby boo. Especially with these flours, and if you're buying your cage free organic eggs, fuck that. $$$$. 

Anyway I say that to say this. I found 2 recipes that peaked my interest. I didn't have enough almond flour for either one of them so, seeing as there was enough overlap, decided to take from both recipes and come up with my own version. Most of the recipe I came up with borrows from this one . The other recipe I haven't tried yet, only because i haven't had to, i really think mine is a winner. But I pinned it so i can check it out. It's here.

Ok So I'm gonna give you my recipe, and walk you through it with a few notes and pictures.

Meli's Low Carb Pizza Crust

1 1/2 cups of shredded cheese (half mozzarella, half mexican or cheddar) 

1/4 cup almond flour

1/4 cup garbanzo/fava flour

1/4 cup ground flax meal

1-2 tbsp cream cheese

1 egg

garlic powder (optional)

italian seasoning (optional)

Preheat oven to 425 degrees

Ok so first thing you wanna do is put your cheese in a bowl and microwave it till melted. For me it was about 1 min. I tilt the bowl after to get the cheese off the sides and more into one solid mass. It will look like this.

Leave it to cool in the bowl or you WILL burn yourself. Its VERY hot! It's gonna take some time to cool off, maybe like 15min or so. Go on fb, instagram, entertain yourself for 15 goddamn minutes.

Then once its thoroughly cooled, add your flours, egg, and cream cheese. And mush it all together with your hands. The glob of cheese has cooled and you're gonna need to pull it apart with your hands during this process to make sure everything is being incorporated into the cheese base. Its messy but doesn't take long. You will find yourself with a nice ball of dough. Very similar to real dough in that you need to add more flour to make it less sticky.

This is important. Add a little more almond flour (1-2 tbsp) to make the dough less sticky and easier to work with but use caution. The first time I made this it came out awesome! The 2nd time I was a little too liberal with the flour at the end and I noticed the crust had that almond flour texture (which was previously undetected the first time around). You don't want that. If done properly you won't get anything from this crust but a yummy texture and the taste of cheese. I'm even thinking of only doing 1tbsp of cream cheese instead of two so i will have to use less almond flour at the end.

When you're done your dough will look like this. 

Put the dough on a parchment paper lined pizza pan or cookie sheet. The dough is really easy to work with. I was able to use my hands. Also its very forgiving, you can reshape it as needed. I like to have a round pizza so I used my pizza pan and made edges for the crust (i love crust). Don't worry about filling the pan, this isn't a lot of dough. You're gonna end up with a small pizza (but bigger than individual pan pizza). It can feed 2 ppl but you're not gonna wanna share it. Spread it out to your desired thickness. And then sprinkle seasonings on it. Or, you can sprinkle the seasonings on when you're kneading the dough to get more flavor throughout the entire crust.

Pop the pan in the oven until the crust starts to get golden. You'll notice the cheese clumps start browning. I don't have a time for this, ya gotta eyeball it. But I think it was at least 10 min. Maybe 15-20. But ovens vary, so keep an eye on it. Don't leave it too long, remember its gonna cook again with the toppings. Once you like the look, take it out and add your toppings. Then pop it back on the top rack till the cheese melts. Personally I like my pizzas really well done on top so I have to be careful I don't end up with burnt crust.

And voila!! Now go forth, and enjoy. For you can have pizza again!

The longer you let it sit and cool, the more structurally sound the slices will be. Yes you can pick these up and eat them no problem!!!! 

My husband is not low carb, he is however gluten free. So pizza is something he doesn't get to eat often. I wanted to try this recipe for me so I got him a gluten free frozen pizza from the store. After trying both he declared mine was better!! That's big coming from him. And last night as I was getting a leftover slice from the fridge, my picky 20 month old took a bite then grabbed it out of my hand and ate the entire damn slice. So there you go. I think that's pretty telling. This recipe is definitely a winner!

The best part? It tastes so good cold the next day! Or an hour later (as your pizza may not make it to the next day). 

update!!!

So I finally bit the bullet and went for the ketogenic diet. what really sealed it for me is when my friend anthony said, don't worry so much about the ketosis, just try to get fat adapted and you'll find yourself in ketosis that way. and mentally, that was just such an easier pill to swallow. i didn't worry about counting my carbs. i worried about getting in mostly fat, some protein and avoiding carbs.

since my last post i've lost 4lbs and 1.5 inches on my waist. i did the keto diet for 2 weeks with no exercise and finally about 2 weeks in i finally felt good enough to get back to workouts. but i was worried that i wasn't able to do what i used to do. my friend (and coach really) anthony told me to keep the workouts short and intense since i don't have the carbs to sustain long workouts. so m/w/f i do weights. i do about 5 reps of 6 exercises and then do 5 sets. then i'll do kettlebell swings and maybe push ups as well. i've recently added some ab exercises that involve dumbells. t/th i do 10 min HIIT sprints (speed 6!!) and then i'll do some tabata finishers. mostly lower body, legs, glutes, squats, lunges, etc etc. i've also done some burpees!! wow! that was a shocker for me. sat and sun i rest bc i need it. but i remain active. i'm just more active in general bc i have so much energy now. i LOOOOOVE being back in a place where i'm working out regularly. its such a good feeling mentally. and although the scale isn't going down i have noticed more definition in my arms and legs. like the fat is melting off and i'm seeing/feeling more of the muscle.

its funny bc i think if i just did the diet alone i would lose weight faster. but i want more than that. i want to transform my body. and thats what weights do. slowly changing the shape. its a long process thats for sure. but its a journey. i have no time limits on this journey other than i want to lose as much weight as i can before next spring bc i really really want this panni removed and for health reasons the closer i am to a BMI of 30 the better my chances are. other than that, no time limit. i've given myself all next year as well to continue my fitness journey. i'm very excited for the future and for what i can accomplish.

i'm very grateful for my health. and the guidance of my coach who has helped me tremendously.

i'm HOPING to be down to pre pregnancy weight by nov. i have 10lbs to go and the scale hasn't moved in 2 weeks. but you know, even if the number isn't the same, as long as i can fit into my old clothes, thats all that matters.

Positive changes

Since going low carb and taking my Metformin (1/2 pill) I have noticed many great changes.

-i fall asleep faster and sleep better through the night
- i have more energy throughout the day but i'm not back to full energy to workout like i used to (yet)
- my overall mood is better
-1 cup of coffee a day will do me just fine
-no more body aches
-no more sleep apnea attacks in the night
-lost an inch off my waist
-lost a pound and a half


And I have had quite a few non scale victories (NSV) lately

-fit into my pre-pregnancy underwear!!!  yayy!!! threw out all my bigger ones.
-fit into a pair of shorts i haven't worn in 3yrs!
-bought 2 pairs of shorts (one of them jean which i never wear) size 20 and size 18! and neither of them have elastic waists!!! i have bee wearing elastic waists for.....gosh....at least 3yrs. if not more.

these are huge milestones for me. i am beyond ecstatic and grateful that with the PCOS stuff out of the way i can finally see the rewards for all the hard work i've been putting in this year. i kept going even when i didn't see the light. and i'm so glad i did. what excites me the most is that things are starting to pick up and i have even more motivation. i'm getting back to where i was at my lowest after my surgery and before pregnancy, and i will surpass it! i'm going to be venturing into a place i've never been before. at a weight i have never seen in my adult life. i am curious and excited and driven!

Keto or low carb?

Ok so this is where I'm at right now with my thought process. I know that a ketogenic diet would be very beneficial for me in many ways. However my brain is stuck on the rules/restrictions and counting of carbs. Like no one likes counting calories and counting carbs is even more of a fucking headache bc there are carbs in just about everything and you have to calculate minuscule amount and what a fucking headache. I mean, spices!!! Fucking spices!! Jesus.  And what if I wanna go out to eat for a special occasion and enjoy one of my fav meals (bang bang shrimp) or some other breaded goodness? The thought of not being able to have those moments (bc let's face it, it's all mental) is really what's keeping me from jumping on board. Like....life isn't predictable, shit happens. I don't wanna constantly be worrying about it. 

I am enjoying low carb. Low carb is very doable for me. And once in a while if I splurge on something it's no  biggy. I just go back to eating low carb the next day. 80/20 or even 90/10 really. I believe that for sanity sake and to make it a lifestyle you need moderation. Like, I could do keto but I would probably not do it forever. I would be like ok I only have to do it for this long and then I can go back to low carb. That's just real talk. My mind always has to know it has option. The way that just knowing there is a bathroom near by keeps me from having to go right this minute. 

Also a low carb diet is beneficial. I have already noticed changes in my body. I could easily continue this for the rest of my life. It's a lifestyle. So why stress myself out with the rules and restrictions of something like ketosis where your carbs are almost non existent or you get knocked out of ketosis? 

 Just being honest. This is my honest thought process. I'm thinking if slowly incorporating it though. Another way of looking at it is, just try it for a few weeks and see what happens. If I hate it that much just go back to low carb. There's no keto police coming to get me. There's no one I have to answer to but myself. And who knows, maybe it will be doable. Maybe after 3 weeks I'll be like, I like how I feel, I'm good, I can keep this up. And just see where it gets me.

If it was just "eat meats, eat cheese, eat full fat dairy, eat good fats" I would so do it!!! I really don't feel like counting. That's really turning me off.

Pre-diabetic symptoms

in my research for a ketogenic diet i stumbled upon this page. Holy crap!!! i have (or have had recently) 90% of the symptoms listed here!

but just to give you a sampling....

These are all the things I thought were thyroid issues. Amazing.

Looking into Keto

Ok I just want to start by saying that when I talk about any way of eating it only pertains to ME personally. I don't believe in telling people how to eat especially since its so subjective. Every person is different and what works for them is a very individual thing. That being said I wanted to share my journey with you.

My friend Anthony whom I respect very much and see as a mentor (he is also a dad who is currently working towards being a trainer himself) has coached me through various things. He got me started  with my exercise, he's answered countless questions i have, and he told me that a ketogenic diet would be very beneficial to me. I looked into it but got super stressed (this was during the anxiety of the thyroid diagnosis i gave myself) and decided I couldn't mentally handle all the restriction right now. I needed to just do low carb, and relax. And I have, and its been going well. But I'm doing research on my own into Ketosis and the Ketogenic diet. I'm trying to figure out why? Why is this good for me? How does it work in the body? Doesn't my body need carbs to be strong? etc etc etc. In my research I found this video of a man named Peter Attia doing a talk about how it worked in HIS body. I found it  scientific with a bit of humor and also palatable. He explained it in a way I could understand. And the visuals help. I wanted to post this on here for anyone who has ever considered ketosis. He answers all the questions about why and what it actually does in your body. He actually talks about insulin resistance which is what I have. I realize this is a good fit for me healthwise. But mentally I'm not there yet. I feel like I have to ease my brain into it. I still have more questions on the how. How do i get into ketosis? What are the guidelines? and so forth.

but for now I wanted to post this, mostly for my own reference, but for anyone else interested.

whats really wrong with me? i finally get an answer. and its not what i thought!

So I've been having health issues since May. Started out small and grew over time and got worse and worse. Started with serious fatigue. Like no matter how much i forced myself at workouts, i just wanted to sleep. It was more than low energy, it was no energy. I hit a wall. I was able to push through for a couple months. May and June I went hard. 6 workouts a week, lifting heavy weights, pushing myself. but definitely struggling.

The first time I noticed I had a problem I let it go. And it went away. But then it came back. I thought, my iron must be low! thats it. i've been slacking on my iron supplements. So i started to take them and that same day I felt better. So for two weeks i thought i had solved the problem!

Then it happened again. Now I'm stumped. I looked at my macros. I've been doing bad. not getting enough carbs (so i thought) and not getting enough calories (this was true). i thought the less cals the better. but i was hungry and cranky and tired. So i self diagnosed. this must be the problem. i went back to my old easy macros (more carbs, more cals) and i felt great! more energy! i thought i had fixed myself!!

but then it came back again.....this time it came back HARD. i said holy shit, this is serious. what the fuck is going on? this time i had severe fatigue, depression, anxiety, irregular periods, no weight loss and sometimes weight gain despite working out and dieting. it was clear to me this was hormonal. people had been telling me from the begining that it sounded like my thyroid. but for some reason i always thought there had to be a simpler answer. until i started to actually look into thyroid diseases. oh fuck.....alot of the stuff i had seemed to be on the checklist for hypothyroidism. the more i researched, the more convinced i was. this was it. on the one hand just knowing what this was made me feel more in control. on the other it stressed me the fuck out because its SO serious!! plus it looked like i could have Hashimotos which is even worse!!! ughhhh!!!

i went for weeks convinced this is what i had. i made it known. every self diagnosis was of course proclaimed to the world.

I finally went for a follow up on my bloodwork and they told me right off the bat, it wasn't my thryroid. my thyroid was fine. are you sure??!?! yup. they said all my numbers look great except for one. The A1 something? it shows i'm pre-diabetic. ok. i didn't panic, been there before, it was prolly the carbs, but no worries, i went to low carb 2 weeks ago. but i'm so dumb that i couldn't put it together. ok so...what was making me tired?? (duh) doc and i started to talk and i told her it all seemed hormonal. and she was like...hmm...you've already been diagnosed with PCOS right? yes. well it sounds like the carbs in your diet made the PCOS re-activate. what?!! that happens?? yup. i thought bc i lose 90lbs i didn't have to worry about PCOS. WRONG. then it all started to make sense. all of it. sweet smelling urine. hello. can you believe i put myself back into pre-diabetic mode just from putting carbs back into my diet?? my doc said low carb has to be the standard for me. because of the insulin resistance. and now i know. no matter what these fitness people tell me, i know that for me personally this is what i have to do. i didn't sweat it too much because low carb is my comfort zone. i did it for so long. plus i do love fats and i'm happy to forgo the carbs for more fats!! she also put me on a low dose metformin to help.

so i'm doing all the right things. i'm hoping that once my levels even out i will get back to my old self. i already see improvements. my mood is better. i don't have energy to work out alot, yet. i'm hoping that will come back. but i have seen definite changes physically. first off, i lost one lb, and an inch off my waist already. i'm even back in my pre-pregnancy underwear!!!!! woohooo!!!!!!!! i'm so happy that this didn't knock me off my path. just another test. i passed!

i'm so happy that i'm seeing some changes. it felt like my journey was on pause for months! i'm gonna assume since the doc told me this (i didn't self diagnose) that this is it. but the way this thing's been going, when i make a definitive statement it backfires on me. lol.

The kind of mom I want to be

I always knew I didn't want to be lazy and tired and not keep up with my kids. I want to be in shape, have energy, keep up with them and set a good example.

Last year I remember taking benji to the park and trying to sit as much as possible and getting tired just walking around after him. And I'll tell you, on my bad days (fatigue), I'm still that bad if not worse. But on a good day where I'm myself I am shocked at how well I keep up with him.

Yesterday after our nap we drove to the park and I was like ok come on let's do push ups, let's do squats, come in let's jog. He would imitate me. I did push ups on park benches, I did dips on playground equipment, and stepped up on other playground equipment, I jogged around the track. And my 1 1/2yr old son wanted me to carry him. He was tired and couldn't keep up with ME!! Talk about a first!!! So I carried him and jogged. Then I sat him on the park bench with some water and snacks and kept on doing my thing, jumping jacks, squats, etc. 

It felt amazing to be this person. To be able to not only keep up with my son but to lead him. To set a good example. I'm so happy to know that my son will grow up with good habits. And that he will have a healthy relationship with fitness and food. And that he won't know me as the lazy tired out of shape person I was before. He will know a better version of me. And to me that is a blessing. So proud of myself and my journey. It's so worth it.

up and down...riding the wave

i had 2 good days recently. saturday and sunday. i felt normal. i worked out. i got so much done saturday. it was so great to be my normal self. i forgot just how capable i am at handling life. the bad days make me feel like a lazy good for nothing. anyway the good days are fewer and further between. i don't know when the next one will be. on those days i feel like i can get back to my agenda and take on the world and do anything. then it goes away when i can hardly get through my day.

but we keep going...hoping that the next leap will be the leap home....(quantum leap reference)

Protein Review #8: CLICK Espresso Protein Drink, Vanilla Latte

ahh...Click. Click, click click click click....what can i say.....

If you know me, you know I love my coffee. I enjoy it. I look forward to it everyday. I wanna make sweet sweet love to it. Everyone has their own specific way they like THEIR coffee. and its very specific. and it doesn't change. Perhaps thats why it took me so long to try this. because everytime i was about to i said, nah i'd rather have MY coffee.  but today was one of those days when i was low on protein and it was my 2nd cup of the day and i decided, what the fuck, lets do it. its supposed to be really good. i've seen so many good reviews of CLICK and been hearing people rave about it for years. so i followed the instructions for making it hot because i don't do cold coffee.

it tasted like plastic, no cardboard, no, like cobwebs....well it didn't taste fresh lets just say. it wasn't good tasting at all. i though hmmm...maybe i need to stir it. so i did. didn't help. i don't take coffee lightly. i through that shit right down the drain and made MY coffee. i needed to! just to get that yucky taste out of my mouth!!! and my coffee was of course pure heaven in a cup.

so i dunno. some people swear by it, i think it tasted hideous. you're better off getting a sample, i always encourage sampling. so you can see for yourself. this company makes samples so you should be able to get them online. you might like it. i did not.

Who knows. maybe the sample was really old and the canister is fresher. or maybe the mocha flavor tastes better. or maybe it just isn't for me. but here's my honest review.

Protein Review #7: Optimum Nutrition 100% Whey Gold Standard, Banana Cream

ok....All i'm gonna say about this one is...meh. fake banana extract flavor. texture is good with milk. not my fav. not even in my top 5. Honestly, as much as I love ON, i think they do creamy flavors better than the fruity ones. Now that I've tasted Syntrax Nectar flavors I'm spoiled.

 

Protein Review #6: Optimum Nutrition 100% Whey Gold Standard, Rocky Road

Ok this review is for Optimum Nutrition 100% Whey Gold Standard, Rocky Road.

I personally love ON. They are one of the top brands. It's a clean protein, it doesn't do a lot of caloric damage, excellent muscle recovery, moderately priced (actually you can get these on sale all the time), tons of flavors, and they're thin so they won't fill you up. I have tried strawberry(meh), strawberry banana (pretty good) and fruit punch (good) by the tub. but i didn't want to buy a WHOLE tub to try a new flavor. Luckily thanks to Nashua Nutrition I was able to get some samples. The first one being rocky road.


Guuuuuuuurrrrrrl. You know I'm more of a fruity person, i don't really like chocolate flavors but DAMN!!! This shit was SO yummy!!! It had almost an almondy type flavor which might be the marshmallow part of rocky road. I really enjoyed it! I could probably drink this every day. I think this might be my go to creamy flavor.

I have to say though, in all honesty, the fruity flavors of ON don't hold a candle to the Nectar flavors. If you want a really good tasting fruity flavor, Nectar is the way to go.

Protein Review #5: Syntrax - Nectar Caribbean Cooler

This is a review for Syntrax - Nectar Caribbean Cooler

i'm just gonna tell you, it tastes damn good. DAMN GOOD. why? because i added milk instead of water. had a nice milkshake taste. but more of a fruity island frozen drink, and those are my favorite!! yum yum yum. i truly enjoyed this protein. you may want to use water instead and thats up to you but the texture is WAY better with milk.

 

So per scoop we're talking 100 calories and no fat and no carbs/sugars. Really? hmm...seems to good to be true! This might have to be my go to fruity flavor, just based on taste alone. I think I will get one fruity flavor and one creamy flavor so that i can have options depending on my mood.

I have to say all the Nectar flavors I've tried have all been really tasty. I don't think you could go wrong with this brand.

Finally, a good day. It's been a while since I've had one.

Ok so here's the thing. I started out this year at around 205lbs. My first goal is to be at pre pregnancy weight which was 173lbs. My last lowest weight was 186lbs. I was psyched because I thought it wouldn't be too long to reach my goal. Then July came....then the thyroid symptoms completely took over. I haven't been able to work out all week. I can barely get through the day. I decided if I can't exercise I need to tweak my diet. Bc I'm not physically pushing myself I don't need all the calories and carbs I was eating. My friend suggested going into ketosis (extremely low/no carb) but the thought gave me so much anxiety I couldn't handle. So I decided to be less drastic and just cut my carbs in half and up my fat. I did this yesterday and it was ok. Doable. Also allowing myself breathing room with fats made me ok with tracking my calories again (I had gotten fed up with it before). I found my sugars were waaaaay more under control. 

I went to weigh myself today so that I could be honest with myself and track my weight fluctuations. Even if I gain, if it's bc of the thyroid I should keep track. I had stopped keeping track bc it became pointless to me when I got on and I was heavier than 186. Saturday I remember looking and I was at 189lbs. Ugh!! Anyway this morning I get on and 186 is too heavy. What the wha?? I'm like 185.5. I wonder what that's about. But who cares. I'll take it!! I haven't had any kind of loss since early July! I haven't felt good about myself in over a week. So I'm really happy that I can be happy today. Also I found a new motivation. I can't do what I was doing before but at least I can do something. I'm not completely beat.


This morning, despite sleeping like shit, I woke up feeling OK. which is a lot for me!! I weighed myself and after that I felt so good. I haven't felt good in so long. I actually got out of bed, and worked out. sure it was a very tiny work out (walk treadmill for 10 min, then some weights) but it was something. and that's without any caffeine this morning. while walking on a speed of 2.0 i was like this is hard, i can't walk this fast. Dude, talk about a blow. that used to be too slow for me. I really don't want to lose the strength and stamina i've gained these passed months. That worries me. Hopefully not too much time passes by where i'm doing nothing. I will try to at least do a few reps with the weights if nothing else.

This morning's weightloss is nothing to throw a parade over. It could be for a plethora of reasons. I haven't been lifting weight, maybe i lost some water weight, or maybe my body just felt like it. That's been the pattern for a couple of months. I hit a new low weight, then i gain 3 more lbs. then i work really hard and it comes off plus a little extra. its a cycle that has been ongoing. this time i didn't do anything and it came off. no rhyme or reason. and i'm sure it will come back on. thats how slowly i'm losing. i lose, gain, lose. slooooooooow. anyway...i will take it. if nothing more than to lift my spirits. progress, no matter how slow, is still progress.

It's so nice to wake up feeling slightly normal today. I am thankful.

Maybe this will help you understand

Think of a pair of glasses. Great glasses. Crystal clear. Then you get a smudge on them. Hmmm...kind of annoying but ok. Then you get another smudge. Ok now your vision is a bit impaired but you still have enough vision to get by and get on with your life though it's quite annoying. Now imagine with every passing day the smudges keep popping up and up until you find yourself squinting and eventually you can't even walk because you can't see where you're going. You can't do anything. 

This is how I feel lately. It keeps getting worse, not better. I feel like I'm being hijacked. It's so unfair. This illness is making me look like a lazy nut case who can't cope. THIS IS NOT ME!! If I could take a magic pill and make it go away I'd be happy and have energy, be passionate about my fitness and be a better (not the best) mom. Yeah I would still struggle with watching my son a the time but to a normal degree. Not to this I need help every day degree. I feel like I'm falling apart. It bothers me that I'm becoming a burden on my family. That my husband has to worry about me and pick up the slack when he is already very busy with work.

I hate that I can't workout. I hate that I get anxiety attacks. I hate that all I wanna do is sleep. I hate that I have a date night once a week if I want one but I can't even think of anything I wanna do. I'm living in a fog and things don't bring me happiness anymore. That's very scary.

Right now I have decided since I'm not working out I will cut my carbs in half and up my fats. Low carb is what is right for me right now. It's giving me some piece of mind.

why i won't be talking about nutrition in this blog

though i may touch on it just as it pertains to my thyroid issues or i might discuss a certain way of eating i might be following for my particular situation, in NO WAY will i be trying to tell anyone how to eat.

Why? because nutrition is so subjective. Even within the fitness community huge disagreements are had every day. And frankly I think there's always ALWAYS contradiction.  the RIGHT way to eat is always changing.

carbs are bad. no we need carbs. illuminate all sugars. limit your fat. add more fat! it goes on and on and on.

whether you're diabetic, paleo, vegan, have high cholesterol, etc we all have different needs. and we should eat in the best way to suit our own personal needs and stop comparing ourselves to others. what works for one person may not work for the other. i'm personally not a fan of extremes. i just can't live in a world with extremes. i believe in reducing certain things, increasing other things and when possible substituting things based on your needs. and when it comes to the pleasures in life i believe in moderation. plain and simple.

but that's just me!!! you might do really really well using the method you're using. the bottom line is, do what works for you.

i don't think anyone should be pushing their way on to anyone else. therefore i won't be speaking about food in this blog. its more motivation, emotional support and fitness.

Protein Review #4: SynTrax Nectar Whey Protein Isolate, Double Stuffed Cookie

Guuuuurrlll, we're talking  Double Stuffed Cookie.....aka Oreo!!!

I mean, look at this shit. You're trying to tell me you wouldn't be sucked in by this label?

Ok Same stats as the Fuzzy Navel. Remember this is for 1/4 a scoop so there's really 100 calories per scoop and 23g (why not 24???) of protein. 

Anyway y'all let's just get right to the taste. First of all, all of the nectar flavors seem to be very thin. It's not a thick protein. That's good for a couple of reasons. 1. that means it doesn't have a bunch of filler crap in it. 2. It won't fill you up. Which for someone like me with a small stomach who wants to get her protein in and a meal, is a very good thing. After all, this is not a meal replacement. Would it taste better if it was thicker? Sure. You could always double the scoop in the same amount of milk and thicken it up that way. Double the protein. But sometimes that can reak havoc on your tummy depending on the protein. Although I never had this problem with ON protein.

Taste wise it tastes awesome. Its like a really thin cookies n cream. The consistency of chocolate milk i guess. It has these little bits of cookie in there. They feel like real cookie bits. If you're looking for a good cookies n cream flavor this is it. I would rather have it thicker though. Just a tad. Perhaps blending it would help.

If you're looking for a thick filling oreo protein powder, check out Giant Sports. Honestly I can't even finish a glass of this stuff. But it's yummy.

Protein Review #3: SynTrax Nectar Whey Protein Isolate, Fuzzy Navel

Ok so my next sample from my sample pack was the yummy sounding (and looking) SynTrax Nectar Fuzzy Navel

 

Now, I'm gonna come out and say that I really don't like the way they label the nutritional facts. Those numbers are so misleading. They're based on 1/4 of a scoop. Who the hell is gonna take 1/4 of a scoop. What kind of bamboozling is that??? I don't appreciate that. So make sure you multiply these numbers by 4. Even then the numbers are great! I don't know why they feel like they have to mislead people like that.

Anyway as far as the taste goes, it was really yummy. A nice fruity flavor. But I just wasn't a fan of the texture. Even the fruity flavors taste better with milk to me. Water just makes protein have a gnarly texture. Ever tried Isopure? BARF!!!!! UGHH!!!! Anyway I think I will try the next fruity flavors with milk instead to get a better feel for it. If you like a fruity tasting protein this is definitely a good one. On top of that it's a whey protein isolate which is a great clean protein and no sugar. Good stuff. Thumbs up. Nectar has samples of all their flavors so I would suggest trying out as many as possible before you order a tub.

So where am i? This is where I'm at.

 I've pretty much diagnosed myself with hypothyroidism. After dealing with it this long I needed answers and all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fit. But I won't know for sure till I see a doctor. You know it's funny, people used to tell me to check my thyroid when I was very very heavy. I did. It was normal. And honestly I never remember getting these kinds of symptoms back then. But it always seemed like an excuse to be fat to me. I didn't think it was anything serious.

Now that I'm researching I'm shocked to find just how serious it all is. And just how complex. Because I already have PCOS I'm susceptible to more serious thyroid diseases like Hashimotos. Not only that but I'm finding out that doctors like to do the bare minimum when it comes to diagnosing and treating  treating thyroid diseases. They do simple bloodwork and if you fall I the "normal" range you're fine. Except you still have symptoms. There are so many different blood tests to do and so many diff medications to consider and even then the dose has to be tweaked. The bottom line is you have to know your shit before you see your doctor. We have to be our own advocates. My appt is one week from now. I couldn't even get in to see a doctor after waiting an entire month for an appt. I'm seeing a nurse practitioner. But I really need to be seeing an endocrinologist. I'm hoping she can write up a referral but I'm pretty sure a doctor needs to do that.

This month has been a real game changer for me. For 2 months prior I had been getting minor symptoms every 2 weeks or so. I thought (with my self diagnosing) that they were minor and would go away by making minor changes. They went away but always came back. After a while they came back stronger and brought more symptoms with them. That's when I started to take things seriously. I went from having mostly good days and a few bad days twice a month to where I am now. Which is mostly bad days and some not so bad days. The good days are getting fewer and further now. It's really thrown a wrench in my fitness routine. I have to take things one day at a time now. 

I read some things and talked to some people and it left me discouraged. But then I went online and looked for other ppl with this disease who are still fighting, still in the fitness game, still reaching goals. It's been so inspirational. It can be done. It will always be a struggle, I will always lose slower than normal people and it will take more effort but it can be done. I can have good days again. I just have to make sure I go in to that doctors office knowing my shit and not taking no for an answer.

This is all still new to me. I'm still in the beginning stage of my research and its kind of complex. Technical things take a long time for me to wrap my head around and understand. But I will keep looking for explanations and information. When I have a better grasp on it I will post my findings on here so that you can understand what it is and what your options are. I will include links to articles and websites too. For now I'm still digging through all the info.

I will keep you updated on my doctor appt.

What kind of motivation works for you?

In my experience, I feel like there are three general categories of people.


Group A:
there are some people who fit into the category of what i like to call "tough love". these are usually the strong silent types who don't wear their emotions on their sleeves, don't talk about their problems to anyone who will listen and frankly don't have patience for nonsense. they're usually hard working, many with stressful jobs, who some how seem to manage it all better than the rest of us. i could rattle off 6 names off the top of my head that i know are these types. these are the types who, from what i've gathered after hearing this from most of them, like a doctor to give it to them straight. tell them how it its, no sugar coating. they want that band aid off quick. and a stiff drink. and punch in the face. lol just kidding. but you get the idea.

incidentally the moms i know like this tend to have, from what i can see, great relationships with their kids and are definitely softies for them. it funny to see someone who's tough on themselves and other adults be softies for their kids. its endearing.

these are the ones who tend to enjoy bootcamp/crossfit settings or personal trainers who don't let you get away with anything. they don't like excuses. they're problem solvers. they're blunt. they might come off harsh but they're also the ones who will celebrate your effort and hard work.


Group B:
other people fit into the "sensitive" category. i feel like i could be the president of this category. we basically want people to tell us everything is gonna be ok. that we're doing it right. and basically give us the easiest and less painful solutions to our problems. lol. we're the highly suggestible types. if you heard someone say something worked for them, you're ordering it the next day. we're the ones who have spent ooooooodles of money on every quick fix there's ever been. you might say we're naive. i like to call us optimists. we want the easy way out. always the easy way.

as long as its easy, we'll do it. we're determined to do it as long as its not uncomfortable. we live in the comfort zone. here's our address 123 comfort street. and we have no interest in moving. oh and we complain. alot. to anyone who will listen. we love to talk. we have a tendency to wallow in our own misery and complain how we have all these problems instead of actively trying to fix them.


Group C:
then you have the in betweeners. i like to call these the "happy mediums". the in betweeners are willing to work. they're willing to do what it takes as long as its with the right attitude. they believe in positivity. they're sensitive but tough. and often times they've been through quite a journey and hardships but are able to still see the positive in any situation. often spiritual, they believe in uplifting those around them. they are also human. they have their bad days. they like cookies and cake as much as the rest of us. they don't judge. they're the ones you can tell your troubles to and they will try to help you see the silver lining. they're the ones who will say you're gonna have to work for it but look it can be fun and if i can do it anyone can. they are reflective. they are more self aware. they actively try to solve their problems though for them its an ongoing process and takes deep introspection. Where Group B tries to find answers outside of themselves (placing blame on others, finding happiness in things), Group C accepts their own blame and tries to find happiness within themselves.



Like I said these are general groups. Certainly there's some overlap, but I'm talking in generalities here.


During my journey of self improvement i have run into all three types. Some I have tried to distance myself from and some I have gravitated towards. I see myself moving away from group B and evolving into a Group C person. I'm not there yet. It is a journey and change takes time but i feel like i've made some vast improvements. I still feel like Group A people judge me for not being like them. I feel like the very things that are Group B about me disgust them. Perhaps thats my own insecurities but I can't help but feel there's some truth to it. Group B people definitely have lots of insecurities. Although I have to say I have learned a thing or two from Group A people. I've learned that I am stronger than i give myself credit for. And I guess that the payoff for being tough, you toughen up. After all, if someone is letting you get away with quitting all the time (enablers, like my husband, god bless him) you're never going to know what you're capable of. In the end you're happy they were tough on you because it got you to accomplish something. And that is something that you have to experience on your own, no one can do that for you.

It's all about what kind of motivation works for you. This is what I'm trying to get people to understand. What works for one person may not work for the other.

If someone who wants their ass handed to them in the gym gets a trainer who is soft on them and doesn't push them pass their comfort zone they will feel cheated and like they're not getting what they need. they probably won't see the changes they're looking for.

If someone needs to start at easy in order to mentally accept that this is something they can do and then gradually move up to harder and harder things, that person will be turned off if they get a trainer who is super intense and wants to push them hard right out of the gate.

I'm not saying any of these are better than the other, I'm saying it depends what you're looking for. By the same token you don't want a trainer who is never going to push you. How many of us have gone to the gym with a friend and just ended up talking and not really working out? Sure it was fun but its not going to get you anywhere with your fitness goals.

The goal is always to push yourself. But I believe it should come at your own pace. I also believe in positive reinforcement. I believe in making it fun. I believe in lifting each other up and not tearing each other down.

And I strongly strongly believe that until a person is truly ready to change nothing anyone says will get them to change. It has to come from within. I've had people tell me things all my life. In one ear, out the other. It wasn't until I was ready to listen that things changed.